trust fall

CeCe's Musings

I began this Substack piece a few days ago, but it was wrenched in another direction after yesterday’s early morning text. We are all in shock. The pain is indescribable. My few awkward words will not begin to pierce this family’s grief, so I’ve included the Caring Bridge link at the end so you can read their words. Love is all we have, my friends. Love.

Fall brings forth memories of jumping in newly raked piles of leaves, scattering the remnants. Dad would allow us a few leaps and then carefully move them to the curb where he’d flick a lighted match. The leaves would crackle and burn, adding to the deep, low, sickly sweet autumn haze of our neighborhood. Jumping in that giant mountain of orange and red was a glorious release, a childhood ritual bursting with textures and smells of the season. It was innocence and trust and joy mixed together in one glorious moment of “Cowabunga!” It was though we were surrendering everything with that one leap.

I am older and now I find that type of simple freedom harder to summon. I’d break a bone if I attempted a leaf jump today. I can’t go running into the abyss. Too many worries. A lot of aches. Additional weight holds me back, both emotionally and physically.

If I can’t find the release, the surrender in a pile of autumn leaves, where is it? I had a dear, old friend a few months ago ask me if I had a greater source or higher power I could hand my weight off to. What lightens my burden? Who or what do I trust with my tender heart? I wasn’t sure how to respond so I left the inquiry out there for me to ponder.

Yesterday I was knocked to my knees with other dear, old friends’ devastating news. I couldn’t breathe imagining their family’s grief. I could do nothing with the pain, so…

I walked. The wind picked up, scattering leaves on the sidewalks and street.

I listened. Quiet lullabies whispered through my headphones while tears fell.

I reached out. One son asked if I was okay. The other Facetimed so I could see and talk with my four month old grandson. My friend circle offered up their love.

I talked. Nancy knew to call and we cried together.

I sent loving kindness out to the universe.

And then I knew the answer to the question. Nature, music, family, and friends swaddle me in the vibrations of love and peace and comfort, my spiritual trust fall into the leaves. They also grant me the strength to give to others, to be there with their pain, their grief, their loss.

Today I will drive up to my hometown. I need to hug my sister, sit with my mother, and gather with a few friends. We will hold our friends’ pain as our own, just loving them because love is the simplest and the most powerful entity we possess.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contribution, and of unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving

Caring Bridge link