No More Hoarding “I love you"
CeCe’s Musings
Yesterday an old friend called. We had not talked in months due to missed phone calls, busy lives, and new loves (hers). The first words I heard from her were “I love you.” We exchanged stories about life stuff: children, grandchildren, relationships. Toward the end of the call I filled her in on some difficult news I knew about a mutual friend of ours. After we hung up, I felt wonky about how I told her the story. Fifteen minutes later, she called back just to say “I love you.” We talked more about our friend’s loss, and promised to not let so much time go by between phone calls. “I love you’s” were exchanged again, and I felt those words all the way from California.
Sometimes love can be looked upon as a naive way to approach the world. Many of us walk in fear or anger or agitation. I know I have wasted hours, days, weeks drowning in quicksand. Jealousy. Resentment. Worry. Grief. Despair. Defensiveness. I have been petty, competitive, jealous. In Brene Brown’s new book Atlas of the Heart, she and a team of researchers studied and chronicled 87 human emotions and experiences. Brown is convinced that mapping our hearts and naming these emotions and experiences helps us courageously navigate our lives, and that when we recognize biology, biography, behaviors, and backstory are our stories, we find meaning in our lives.
I acknowledge even though I am choosing love, the other 86 emotions are human and will not disappear. Instead, I will recognize them, maybe even offer an invitation for a visit and a quick snack (I’m thinking a juice box and a handful of goldfish crackers), and show them the door if they cause discomfort or weigh me down.
Love is not easy. For years I searched for love, often doubting my own lovability. Yet, now I am choosing to live my life with love. I say or write “I love you” every day, and mean it. “I love you” used to scare me. I believed it was reserved for romantic relationships, often whispered in the dark, praying it would be returned. But now…now it is bellowed. I LOVE YOU! At the end of phone calls. In emojis. In conversations over coffee. I used to be stingy with love, thinking it needed to be hoarded. Now the doors are flung open. I love you. Friends. Family. Anyone who fills my heart. Old friends. New friends. Friends with whom I have reconciled. Brothers. Sisters. In-laws. Our children. Oh…those grandchildren! I love you!!!!!!
My heart, like the Grinch’s, has grown exponentially with each love affair. And that is what all of these relationships are - love affairs. Anyone who has lodged in my heart, who knows my stories and I theirs. Those who have made me both laugh and cry. My great loves.
Now, I do not say “I love you” to everyone. I do have boundaries. There are individuals I have had to release, those who have left scars or ones who no longer fit into life’s crazy puzzle. We are allowed to let people go, on social media and in real life, in order to protect ourselves.
Sometimes this love I hold is heavy. My aging mother. Our children’s struggles. My prickly friendships. The love, though, overcomes the weight of it all, because love forgives. It understands and offers and mends and stitches up the tears.
I choose love and it chooses me. The more love I have invited in my heart, the more I have loved. I have grown weary of cynicism, rage, envy, judgment. I’ve grown steadier with love, a reverent, grace-filled, sacred, rumpled, cluttered, glorious love.
Maybe it’s my age. Or yoga. Or the Brene Brown or bell hooks or Anne Lamott I have read. Or the aftereffects of this pandemic. Or the wine I drink. Whatever the reason, I choose love, and, damn, it feels good, lighter. I am willing to take the risk of love, because I wish to be remembered as that kooky friend or mother or aunt or sister or daughter or grandmother who was always saying “I love you,” because as Rumi once wrote, “Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being. Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty.”
My “I love you’s” will no longer be hoarded.
“We need more real love. Gritty, dangerous, wild-eyed, justice-seeking love.” Brene Brown
“We still hope that love will prevail. We still believe in love’s promise.” bell hooks
“Maybe all we can do is make our remaining time here full of gentleness and good humor.” Anne Lamott
