Letting Go, Yet...

CeCe’s Musings

This past Labor Day weekend I overindulged. In fact, I’ve binged most of the summer. Eaten too much red meat. Drunk too much wine. Consumed too much sugar. Had my nose in my phone way too much, reading news and scrolling mindlessly. Worried too much about politics, family, health, and anything else that’s consumed me. It’s been the summer of excess, and I am feeling heavy. My weight. My mind. My emotions. My heart. All heavy.

What I’ve been pondering is how do I lift the heaviness? How do I let go of all I’m carrying? A quote popped up in my nightly mediation that hit me.

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will have complete peace.” ~ Ajahn Chah

Letting go completely. Sure sounds easy, yet, man, I’m not good at it. I hang onto everything. Anxiety. Grudges. Old stories. Hurt feelings. Bad habits.

Letting go should lift the load, but how? How about starting with simple things. Instead of worrying about what I should release, how about focusing on what I can do? I’ve never been a big fan of depriving myself. It’s always seemed like punishment. Bad girl. Don’t do that or eat this. Boo. I’m too old for such nonsense.

I’d rather start with the small stuff.

I will include more fruits and vegetables in my meals. Celebrate with a glass of wine. Have an occasional piece of cake or pie. Eat more of the healthy stuff. Drink lots of water. Treat myself with respect. I deserve it.

I will move. Walk. Dance. Practice yoga. Once again, love this body of mine.

I will pause before picking up my phone. Take a breath. Ask myself a few questions. Do I need to look at social media right now? (Almost always, no.) Is there any news that can wait? (Almost always, yes.) What else can I do? (Almost anything. Read. Nap. Write. Bake. Walk. Meditate. Clean out a drawer. Talk to a friend. Find a new hobby or pick up an old one. The list is endless.)

I’ll slow down. My life is no longer the busyness it was when I was working and raising children. Things are quieter, yet there are still times when I think I need to fill my calendar. Nope. Take a dot off, unless it is something that grounds me. Stroll around the neighborhood. Pause to admire a gorgeous garden. Look up at the clouds. Enjoy doing nothing.

I will write. My first love, yet often neglected. When I don’t do it, I miss it most of all. My Scarecrow. I want to write again. I’ve missed the routine, the words, the completion of a piece. Beginning today, I will write.

Small stuff, but also big. Small in that most are easy in theory. Big because anytime I change up my intentions, it requires effort. I will work on the letting go of the heaviness…yet…

Yet, there are some things I cannot let go. As I was writing yesterday, news broke of another school shooting. This time in Georgia, a high school outside of Atlanta. Two students and two teachers are dead. More wounded. All forever traumatized.

I cannot even begin to wrap my heart around that there are parents whose kids did not come home from school yesterday. Families now mourning, keening, weeping. I ache with their pain.

Yes, I am sad, but I’m also so incredibly angry. Too many guns. Too many lost people with access to guns. The empty prayers. Pretending to be pro-life while doing nothing except banning books and bullying women and children. It’s repulsive. A broken boy walks into a school, a place that used to be a safe haven, with evil intent. If we are numb to this, we are all broken.

I cannot let this one go.

Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America