last day of January musings: searching for light amid the darkness

cece's musings

A few of my January wonders. Light.

What is it about first and last days? I’ve always loved first days, full of wishes and aspirations. Everything is fresh, like a blank page in a notebook. Last days are different. They often inspire reflection, questions, and perhaps some regrets.

My days as a teacher were steeped in first and last days. The first day of school was exciting and nerve-wracking. What would my classes look like? Am I prepared? Could I be more organized this year? How about creating a better learning environment for my students?

Even though I counted down for the last day of school, I could feel some melancholy in the moment, especially as the seniors collected their diplomas at graduation. How would they find their way in the world? Did we prepare them for the realities they would face? Would they use what we tried to teach them? If I run into them later, will I remember their names?

I’ve been retired for almost ten years, so my firsts and lasts have shifted. I love a new journal, that first coffee in the morning, and turning to Chapter 1 of a book I just purchased. My life doesn’t revolve around those first and last days of school. It is slower, quieter. I still appreciate setting goals for the day, though, making a list and working my way through it.

January is a quirky month of firsts. It’s the first month, the first day of the year, and one of the longest rolled into one dreary 31 days. There’s only one holiday, but this year it coincided with the inauguration (or as I refer to it - the coronation of the mad king), so Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t get much attention. Here in the middle of the country we were gifted a major snowstorm the first week of January that dumped close to 15 inches. For weeks we’ve been delicately navigating the treacherous ice patches and piles of dirty snow, but on this last day of January rain has washed most of it away.

My husband and I decided to participate in Dry January after an over the top holiday season. He has gone the entire month without alcohol while I had a few glasses with friends two weeks ago. It was good to cut back. I feel better, my face has lost its blotches, I’m less bloaty, but I have missed my wine. I will savor the first sip tomorrow evening when we go out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his dry and my dryish January.

So, on this overcast Friday morning, I am pondering the last month. What was lost. What was gained. The sadness. The joys. The everyday moments. And what will February bring? Groundhogs. Hearts. A few special nights out. Family gatherings. Promises made. Promises broken. My micro attempts at collecting wonder.

Because…I am existing on those tiny glimpses of wonder. They are my hopes that the world isn’t as dark as it appears, that it’s more of an illusion. Between the firsts and lasts, there is light.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

“If our religion is based on salvation, our chief emotions will be fear and trembling. If our religion is based on wonder, our chief emotion will be gratitude.” ~Carl Jung

“Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement…get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.” ~Abraham Joshua Heschel

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle. The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science.” ~Albert Einstein

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” ~W.B. Yeats