“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ~The Man in Black to Princess Buttercup in The Princess Bride
Lately I have found myself in a deep malaise, a dark despair that hovers closely between heart and mind. I’ve snapped at my husband. I had a breakdown in the Trader Joe’s parking lot. I scream at random drivers, mostly ones deserving of rage, but still adding to my anxiety.
I’m wandering around in a black cloud, worrying about everything from the squashing of our freedoms to the price of eggs. I miss my kids. Friends are struggling. Our investments keep sinking. My mom is descending deeper into her dementia. I’m stumbling through life. How do I rise up from this constant melancholy?
There isn’t an easy answer. Just telling myself to snap out of it or calm down has never worked. At least the sun is out today, which is a small miracle since we’ve been plagued with endless days of gloomy rain.
Life is not as simple as the lyrics of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. Raindrops on roses? Whiskers on kittens? Singing away the blues, especially with my desperately off-key voice, will not make it all disappear. That damn dog and stupid bee! Can’t get rid of them. Oh, and I still feel bad.
A few months ago I began writing down daily delights in my journal. I ponder the previous day’s joys and jot down a few words. My latest have been FaceTimes with California grandson, moments with local grandchildren, walks with friends, and attempting to notice the lovely everyday flashes of contentment that flow through my days. It is a simple habit that momentarily lifts my mood. Perhaps I need to embrace more of this gratitude for life’s small miracles.
Because the darkness has always been there, yet humans have found ways to tunnel through with music and poetry and friends and family and nature and pets and good food and laughter.
I’ll find it today with these random words I occasionally pound out, a long walk, and readying my messy garden for new plants I’ll get next week. I’ll attempt to notice with care and wonder. At this moment it is all I can do to invite calm into my heart.
What about you? Where will you find delight today? I hope it soothes your aching soul.
The world is so doom and gloom these days. I have been feeling, not myself, at times. I try to journal as often as possible. Daily if I can. It helps me clear my head.
'I miss my kids.' Check.
'Friends are struggling.' Check.
'Our investments keep sinking.' Check.
'My mom is descending deeper into her dementia.' Check.
We share many similar worries. I wish I had a magic potion to make it all better but like you, I try to see the light through the cracks in the darkness. Stay strong!